The Currencies of Love
Furlongs Chocolates — Norwood, Massachusetts
A sentimental romantic…
Each year as Valentine’s Day approaches, I think of my father. He was a sentimental romantic and adored my mother. He loved to sneak up on her when she was occupied at the kitchen sink, slip his arms around her from behind, and kiss her neck. Shy about public displays of affection, my mom would wriggle away and say “stop that Joe” while we kids giggled and egged him on. A flushed complexion and irrepressible smile always betrayed her pleasure, despite prudish pretenses.
Dad loved Valentine’s Day. He would take me shopping to select the perfect packets of cards for my classmates and Mom would help me spell out each name and write any special messages. But best of all, were the red satin, heart shaped boxes filled with handmade chocolates that Dad would bring home from Furlongs Candies. He beamed while presenting them with a kiss to each of his “girls,’’ the biggest, most beautiful box— adorned with a silky flower or bow—for Mom and petite versions for me and my younger sister. I don’t know how my two brothers felt about their exclusion from this sweet ritual, but I can still remember how special it made me feel. To me, the gift of chocolates indicated that I shared the same treasured corner of his heart as my mom. Perhaps it’s an archaic sentiment, but I felt elevated to the mysterious world of womanhood.
Although my parents faced many crises and much heartbreak raising their four children, they always presented a united front, rarely disagreeing or arguing in front of us. When I became an adult, my mom shared how important that unification was to them as a couple and as parents trying to create stability for their children. Despite their traditionally defined roles, my mom made it clear that she never hesitated to express disagreement or challenge my dad in private. Though I have a very different marriage, their deep connection and respect for each other will always be my standard for enduring love.
1960’s vintage Valentines.
A pragmatic romantic…
While my husband JB shares several of my father’s attributes--a mathematical mind, problem solving skills, and DIY talent--sentimentality is not one of them. He is not a fan of the “Hallmark Holiday” that suggests love must be expressed with poetic words or other traditional gestures. He is more inclined to communicate feelings and commitment with pragmatic actions. I remember a fourth of July, early on in our marriage, when we were deep in the throes of converting a single-family Victorian townhouse into two condominiums with a dear friend and partner in real estate. At the time, the three of us were sharing a kitchen and one barely functional bathroom while living in the dusty disarray of the construction site. With nerves severely frayed by the renovation process and conditions, I was bereft that my dream deck for watching Boston’s fireworks had not yet been built. Understandably, it was low on the list of priorities as we struggled to balance professional jobs and push the renovation forward.
But sensing that I needed to see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, JB dashed to the lumber yard for two-by-fours and plywood. He spent the better part of the day on the roof, in the blazing sun, constructing a “lily pad” sized platform. That evening we climbed an extension ladder up to the skylight hatch, crawled onto the miniature deck, and snuggled while the sky exploded in arcs of red, white, and blue. Over our forty years together, there have been occasional romantic flourishes like cards, flowers, and jewelry, but I treasure his spontaneous, pragmatic demonstrations of love the most.
Foreign Currencies…
Admittedly, it has taken time for me to understand and accept that we “trade” in different “love currencies.” Adjusting to a “foreign personal currency” is a lot like converting dollars to euros, translating English to French, or judging miles versus kilometers. It can be confusing and frustrating. My personal currency banks on the power of the spoken word, a carefully crafted note, or a spontaneous touch to create connection or to resolve conflict. Whereas he draws upon silent reserves, established through daily deposits of practical efforts—managing our finances and foreign residency requirements; planning, preparing, and cleaning up most evening meals; resolving my ongoing battles with technology; bringing me a cup of coffee in bed each morning. It is a treasury of commitment that is easy to overlook: not a flashy crypto currency, just a steady long-term bond.
Learning that love is a verb…
His currency also demonstrates a principle I learned from my parents: love is not only a feeling or a sentiment—it’s a verb. They were both deeply spiritual and dedicated students of the Bible. My father’s favorite passages were about love, especially I Corinthians, chapter 13, which introduces the Greek concept of “agape” love: unconditional, self-less, sacrificial, action oriented, and benevolent. When he died suddenly, one month after retiring from teaching high school math, the line of recent and former students who came to his wake seemed endless. They shared story after story of how he supported them through family crises, drug addiction, suicidal thoughts, teen pregnancy, and self-doubt. They, like me, had learned from him that all love—romantic, familial, platonic, or charitable— requires action.
The beautiful sculpted chocolates of Cacao Fages in Toulouse, France (click to enlarge)
Days of wine and roses…
Once again as the holiday of “wine and roses” approaches, I will remember his example and benefit from the perspective of two cultures. Here in France, Valentine’s Day focuses on adult romantic love. It is celebrated by giving small meaningful gifts: like flowers, chocolates (of course!), or jewelry, or by sharing romantic moments: like a stroll in a park, a meal in a favorite cozy bistro, or a weekend get-away. Valentine cards are rarely exchanged between lovers and never among children.
On the flip side, my country of origin views the holiday more broadly as an opportunity to acknowledge our love for friends and family, not just romantic partners. While the US admittedly leads the world in the commercialization of Valentine’s Day (about 145 million cards are exchanged and more than $24 billion is spent on gifts and activities each year) there is something to be said for its more inclusive perspective. Who wouldn’t benefit from a day to take stock of love in all its permutations and to recognize that this most precious asset prospers best in the currencies of both words and deeds?
A conversation about this romantic holiday wouldn’t be complete without a nod to Saint Valentine: the Roman priest, Christian evangelist, and martyr. There are many legends surrounding him, but my favorite is that he secretly performed forbidden weddings, thus allowing men to dodge conscription into the Roman army during the reign of Claudius Gothicus (Roman Emperor from 268 to 270). The legend maintains that Saint Valentine gave the husbands a parchment heart to remind them of their vows and God’s love. (1) This Valentine’s Day, I plan to draw upon legend, personal history, and my two cultures to celebrate love. I will gratefully reflect on my wealth of friends and family, hike with my husband, and end the day sharing a bottle of local red wine and chocolates. Perhaps there will also be paper valentine…
Note (1): Wikepedia
